Tuesday, 14 November 2017

The odd and interesting request

When my late grandfather was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus in 2000, I asked my grandmother, what is diabetes mellitus (or also known as ‘kencing manis’ in Malay language)? I was so curious with the name of the diagnosis. Why ‘kencing manis’? Is it because there were too many sugar in the urine that makes it taste sweet? Why people do get diabetes mellitus? Plus, when my late grandfather passed away due to myocardial infarction, I keep on asking my mother the details and mechanism of the death.

As I was strolling through my secondary school, I learnt that sciences subjects made more sense to me because it has definitive answers to my questions about living things, ranging from the function of cells until the process of rusting through redox reaction. Since then, I was intrigued to know more about human physiology and anatomy. Plus, my curiosity about the ailments my family had couldn’t be answered until I entered medical school. The satisfaction of knowing the pathophysiology of a disease and how to deal with it with proper treatment and intervention makes me feel happy and appreciate the life given by God profoundly.

To be a doctor, I believe is a life long journey as a student as well. There is no finish line in the pursuit of knowledge about human and diseases. Besides that, I love interacting with human. To contribute and see the impact I made to their lives is satisfying. I observed and appreciate this kind of positive feeling when I was doing volunteering work, be it in medical field or not.


The road is not easy. There will be death, pain, and sadness throughout the journey of being a doctor. There will always be circumstances and I appreciate that we will not always happy with our life. But, to give and spread happiness to others, I hope it will ripple back to me when I am in dire need of it. 

**********************

My ad hock and brief explanation of why I wanna be a doctor. A HOD of a department from a hospital asked me to write this (handwritten, lol). His request is quite interesting, making me look back and tajdid my niyyah for a longer journey ahead. 

Anyway, I still feel insufficiency in terms of knowledge and skills to face the very final semester final year. Please make a lot of prayers for me and my friends ya? :)

Saturday, 16 September 2017

Rant 4.0

This is written prior to pediatric case write up submission.

Phew, what a month. It was a roller- coster one I tell you. Nevertheless, those moments are precious and became part of structures that make me sane and grateful. Alhamdulillah, all praise to the Lord who never leave me alone, despite of my weaknesses and sins. He keeps on giving me things that He knows is the best for me.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Rant 3.0; prior to O&G final exam



Life indeed, is a mysterious journey.

Start your day with a smile

It will bring you through thousand miles

Do your best, don't be shy

Because the sunlight will never die

Don't give up, don't give in

Hey, everything will be fine

As long as we don't complain

Like how the world could be this plain.




Thursday, 27 July 2017

Kerana secebis harapan di Wad 20.

"Puan pernah mengandung sebelum ini?", saya bertanya lembut pada pesakit wanita yang terbaring lesu dikatil hujung cubicle 2 wad gynaecology. Wajahnya pucat, cukup pucat. Pergerakannya terbatas dan nafasnya pendek- pendek. Mungkin dia kepenatan.

"Sudah doktor. 4 orang, tetapi semuanya keguguran. Ada satu episod mengandung 'anggur' (molar pregnancy)". Sambil bercakap, senyuman tidak lekang dari wajah yang mulus itu.
Para 0 (+4). 

Saya berasa serba salah untuk meneruskan perbualan. Takut tersalah tanya atau tersalah cakap. Isu anak sememangnya isu yang sensitif untuk kaum wanita, terutamanya bagi yang sudah berkahwin. Perkahwinannya berusia dua tahun, diusahakan untuk mendapatkan cahaya mata namun keempat- empat mereka diambil Tuhan yang Maha Penyayang. 

Fuh. Saya cuba mengekalkan ekspresi muka supaya tenang dan maintain professional. Sepanjang perbualan kami, tiadak ada satu masa pun saya mendengar keluhan, kesedihan atau kekecewaan dari mulut beliau. Yang ada hanyalah senyuman yang manis disulami dengan semangat yang kuat dan kesyukuran yang tidak putus- putus kepada Allah. Guess what, her current admission was due to ruptured ectopic pregnancy that almost took her life. (A growing 'life' that threatens the carrier)

Her situation makes me think a lot. It bothers me so much, to the extend I cannot forget her stories and her smile. She is so strong and patient. I cannot imagine how she handles the emotional, physical and spiritual turbulence pertaining to her previous miscarriages. Subhanallah, when I retrospectively think of the situation, I think only Allah can grant such strength and perseverance to her and her husband. Indeed, Allah won't burden someone with something he/ she cannot bear with.

One question; what makes her strong to face a new day, a new life whenever she opens her eyes everyday, without fail? Bagi sesetengah orang, sekiranya kita gagal untuk hidup dengan apa yang kita cita- citakan, maka fungsi untuk meneruskan hidup itu sudah tiada. Hilang asbab untuk terus bernyawa dan menghadapi hari- hari yang mendatang. 

Persoalan ini kerap bermain di minda saya sehinggalah beberapa hari kemudian, saya terbaca sebuah tulisan mengenai harapan/ hopes. 

Harapan.

Satu perkataan yang senang untuk dituturkan namun memerlukan kekuatan hati dan akal untuk betul- betul memaknai dan hidup dengannya.

Ada beberapa hari dalam masa dua minggu belakangan ini, saya berasa sukar untuk bangun dari katil dan memulakan rutin harian saya sebagai pelajar perubatan. Everyday is a struggle I must tell you. Pagi- pagi (like literally awal pagi sebelum pukul 7.30am) saya dah terkocoh- kocoh bersiap dan bergerak ke Hospital Pulau Pinang. Kena pula rotation di Department of Obstetric and Gynaecology (Ibu mengandung dan sakit puan). Dua kali bed site teachings, tutorials hingga ke petang dan termasuklah konflik emosi dalam group secara tidak langsung menyebabkan saya berasa penat yang amat dan it silently 'eat' my spirit. I became mentally and physically exhausted. Bila drive ke hospital, macam- macam thoughts tak enak mula bermain dalam kepala (membayangkan diri kena tengking dengan pakar sebab tak pandai sangat, hari- hari kena interview patient, struggle nak faham setiap topik baru dan takut kena reject dengan patients). Rasa macam tak ada harapan dah untuk teruskan rutin ini. Rasa macam, can I be a good doctor to my patients, to the ummah?

Sehinggalah selepas menghadiri usrah mingguan yang selalu dinanti- nantikan, perspektif saya tentang kehidupan mula berbeza.

    "Wahai hamba- hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampunkan dosa- dosa semuanya. Sesungguhnya, Dialah yang Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang" (39: 53)

Manusia hidup dengan harapan. Harapan kepada parents, keluarga, kawan- kawan dan Tuhan. This is the pursuit of life. Harapan inilah yang akan menghidupkan kehidupan seorang manusia itu sendiri. Andainya harapan musnah (ie: break up, kehilangan yang tersayang), kegagalan untuk mendayung sampan dalam arus kehidupan menuju ke destinasi terakhir akan berlaku. Namun, andainya harapan itu digantungkan semata- mata kepada Allah, perubahan- perubahan yang terjadi tidak begitu mengecewakan, kerana diketahui bahwa Allah yang menyusun jalan hidup ini. 

Susunan Allah penuh dengan cinta, tidak untuk menzalimi hamba- hambaNya. Malah, ianya untuk mengangkat darjat hamba tersebut. Bagi seseorang yang mengikat harapannya kepada Allah, setiap perkara yang terjadi, sama ada ia menggembirakan hati atau sebaliknya, perasaan- perasaan tersebut akan dikembalikan kepada Sang Pencipta. Dan apabila dia berharap kepada sesuatu, perasaan itu juga dipangkalkan kepada Sang Pencipta yang sama. Kerana di sudut hatinya, dia mengerti hakikat kehidupan yang terjadi adalah dengan izin Allah, be it good or bad. 

Menjadi seorang hamba yang beriman dengan qada' dan qadar sangat membutuhkan hati yang ditarbiyah untuk bertaqwa. Ianya tidak mudah.

Bila saya reflect balik kenapa saya menjadi murung dan kurang bersemangat, mungkin kerana saya berharap supaya environment and people around me to meet my certain expectation. Yang tak bestnya, expectations itu more or less adalah untuk secure diri dan perasaan saya daripada terbeban/ takut dengan kritikan yang membutuhkan perubahan. Jadi, saya lebih mengharapkan diri saya supaya able to present cases very well, able to answer each question excellently and able to examine patients accordingly. Apabila saya ditegur, dimarahi atau tidak berjaya menjawab soalan- soalan doktor, saya kecewa dan frust. Sebab saya takut dengan keadaan sebegitu sebab itu bukan comfort zone saya. Mungkin atas sebab inilah, saya jadi kurang motivasi dan semangat.

Namun, ayat 53 dalam surah az- Zumar make me realize yang rahmat Allah itu luas. The ability to feel hopeful to Him is one kind of blessings. And I did not have that. Saya mengecilkan skop rahmat Allah kepada perkara- perkara yang akal saya mampu capai tetapi saya terlupa bahwa hidup ini lebih besar daripada apa yang akal saya gambarkan.

Ternyata pesakit yang saya jumpa di Wad 20 lebih memahami dan menghayati makna rahmat Allah dalam kehidupan beliau. Empat kali keguguran tidak bermakna kehidupannya berakhir. Empat kali keguguran bukan penghalang untuk dia terus tersenyum dan menjalani hari- hari yang mendatang dengan lebih tabah. Dan empat kali keguguran bukan bermaksud dia harus berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah yang lebih luas.

Saya kira, bernafas dengan perasaan dan akal yang sedar bahwa untuk bernafas itu juga satu rahmat dapat melembutkan hati dan menambahkan lagi kecintaan kita kepada Rabb dan Ilah yang disembah.

Apabila berharap kepada Allah, hujan, ribut atau taufan tidak akan menghentikan kaki untuk terus melangkah meneruskan kehidupan dengan penuh makna. Bahkan, pergantungan harap kepada Yang Maha Mengetahui juga akan mengajar kita supaya berdaya tinggi di luar comfort zone yang tidak akan 'membesarkan' hati dan mematangkan jiwa. 

Dear God,
If today I lose my hopes, 
please remind me that Your plans are better,
than my dreams.

Mishkat 2.0

ps: Nervousnya nak pergi program petang ni.. 

Saturday, 17 June 2017

The art of sabr and you.

I learn a lot from you. I really do.

Even though our encounter always start and end with silence, I love it.

It does not utter words, but it speaks what's inside our heart and mind very well.

I don't know how we could do that.

Maybe because of the good intentions and acts you possessed, it contains barakah.

The amount of respect I earn from you is unimaginable.

Some might interpret it as ignorance, unromantic or dull.

But I call it as the pure act of love, lillahita'ala.

I think I know reasons behind of your choices, actions and silence.

I believe all of it bounds by the fear and love to you Creator. Our Creator.

Sometimes I could not fathom, how patience you can be, all these while.

I need to learn the art of sabr from you, I really do. 

I know you're not perfect, wrap in boundless of weaknesses and faults. But that does not make you any less human. Human err, so do I. 

Though the future, sometimes seems bleak, vague and unpredictable, I suppose it is because I lean of my hopes solely to my efforts, to other human.

But the future shines bright, sparkles in the darkness of night when I put my hands up, and pour all of my feeling to my Creator. Our Creator.

Then I feel calmer and firm with my choice.

Thank you for the silent treatment. I ought that as an act of love. 



Friday, 16 June 2017

O my lost soul.

I miss Ireland. I miss to let go my soul to fly freely and diffuse with the serene surrounding and mix with the refreshing thin air. I miss the sound of forest in Glendalough and the wind. 
I was restless, uncomfortable and felt something is not accomplished yet, without exactly know what it is. Believe me, I tried and am still trying to figure out what my heart is going through. 
I feel detach from my surrounding and I don't know why.
I feel I am losing control over myself and I feel demotivated with a very vague reason.
I feel away from my beloved God, maybe because I am sinning too much. 
I am not drowning yet.
I miss my old self; the one who is full with positive vibes, spirits, hope and strength. 
I was literally staring at my laptop screen with unknown purposes, hoping to stumble upon some random reasons to keep in touch with the real 'world'.
People see me as a normal lady, a cheerful person who wears her sweet smile all the time. I keep reminding myself to do so, because I do not want to spread my unknown reason of unhappiness.
Ramadhan seems near but far from my soul. Man, what kind of damages I've done to my heart? I keep telling myself; Sarah, the doors of heavens are opening throughout this Holy Month. Don't you wanna enter it? Don't you wanna hold your beloved hands and be there with them? Don't you wanna withdraw yourself from Jahannam? 
I force myself to have good intentions and perspectives to Allah in every circumstances. I don't know why, but I found it very challenging to do so in this month. (Is this my real self? O my gosh)
Despite of the 'battle' of my soul between me and my nafs, deep inside my heart, I am happy. I am grateful. The fact that I was given opportunities by Lord to live, breath and started my days as a muslim and final year medical student, which favors of the Lord should I not be grateful with? Who ever thought I could've gone this far? 
All praise to Him, the One who let everything happens for reasons. 
I know I am quite 'jumpy' in my writing. I really need to learn how to put my thoughts properly. It's quite here and there, but, hey, it is my blog so I can write it in the way I want it to be. (Note to myself, please improve this haha)
While scrolling the timeline of Facebook, I found an interesting article. It is about a prayer, a confession and a conversation of a lady with her Creator. It was so beautiful and it made me thinking and see my situation in her perspectives. It was refreshing and a good reminder too, I tell you.
So here it goes.
***
Maybe I’m trying so hard to have full control over everything. Maybe I need to remind myself that everything is a process. Every struggle is a process. And every process has an end goal, has a purpose and it’s always for my good. God is always doing something, sometimes beyond my comprehension, or sometimes within its walls. And honestly, it gets tiring to always try so hard to overcome on my own when I can overcome with You.

Maybe God, You’re right, it’s all about total surrender.

It’s not a matter of I can anymore, it’s all about what You can and unless I allow You to completely take over every space, every aspect of my life, I will never fully overcome, I will never taste victory over my life.
Maybe I need to remind myself to trust You in whatever strife I’m facing, whether big or small, whether work or school, whether relationship or personal, whether healing or promotion – whatever it is, maybe it’s all about permitting You to move me from glory to glory and just allow myself to be saturated in Your presence and watch how You will transform my failures into triumphs and my sorrow into joy.
Maybe I need to remind myself that You are Lord, and that I can’t overthrow it all in one snap, it will be a really tough process that is only possible through Your grace. And that doesn’t mean the process will be flawless and convenient and fast, there will be lapses, shortcomings but there will be improvements as well, there will be little victories that needed to be celebrated rather than condemned.
Maybe in every struggle, You are only teaching me, us, to be dependent in You. That the size of the struggle doesn’t matter, tiny or enormous, because I must learn to surrender. I can’t handpick the portions of my life that I want to surrender. I can’t just offer You the great, impossible looking battles and fight the easy ones on my own.
Maybe I need to learn to give it all to You, God. Committing all areas of my life. All my ache, my sin, my shame, my faults, trading them all for Your peace.
Giving it all and letting go fully, raising my hands to heaven in full surrender. Certain for the breakthrough that is waiting for me. Trusting Your beautiful promises as I trust Your process even more.
source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/dian-tinio/2017/06/dear-god-im-giving-it-all-to-you/
***
As Ramadhan is passing in a blink of eye, I think, He wants to teach me the feeling of an abid. I mean, the real feeling of surrendering, asking for forgiveness, humble and redha, in front of Him.
We know the room of our heart very well. We are the one who decorates it according to ourselves, to what we believe/ faith, experiences and observation to our surrounding. But I slip, most of the time. Hence, I believe Allah wants to guide me back to Him because I slipped so bad this time.
If it is so, then I give and leave my heart to You, O the One who takes care of hearts, better than the owner themselves.
Bayt Mishkat,
2250, 16/6/2017

Friday, 26 May 2017

Another rant.

I love when I am consciously aware that my welfare is taken care by Allah. Carefully with His mercy.

I know I have flaws in every single edge, and despite of that, He is still there, never leave me for a single moment. 

I have so many reasons to stop, or lay back for awhile and chillin' with my life. But I remembered one of Dr Azarisman's speech,

"Masa kita tidak banyak, umur kita tidak panjang dan kita mengimpikan syurga. Maka binalah saham- saham akhirat antum sebelum nyawa ditarik, sementara antum semua masih muda ini."

It made me think a lot, you know. Especially about how I want to end my life as a muslim, not just a regular muslim, but as one of the "warathatul anbiya' " that done her purposes of life and Allah pleased with her. 

So, here I am. Done few 'crazy' stuffs within a few months back. 

Tired?
Yes I am. (Oh Lord)

Happy?
I think I am :)

Calmer?
You can say that again.

Regret?
Nope.

Are you certain about things you are doing?
Why not? 

Your pushing factors?
Jannah, blessings, to die as a shuhada', the helps from above.

*****
I hope I can strive to become a better person in this month of Ramadhan. To regrow, rebuild and regenerate the wilt soul of mine. My murabbi said, Ramadhan is the month to train ourselves to do deeds that we are not familiar with like sadaqah or do witr prayer.

Allahumma ameen. Ramadhan Kareem everyone! :)

ps: Too many thoughts to be written but none that I manage to sit still and pour it into words.