Saturday, 17 June 2017

The art of sabr and you.

I learn a lot from you. I really do.

Even though our encounter always start and end with silence, I love it.

It does not utter words, but it speaks what's inside our heart and mind very well.

I don't know how we could do that.

Maybe because of the good intentions and acts you possessed, it contains barakah.

The amount of respect I earn from you is unimaginable.

Some might interpret it as ignorance, unromantic or dull.

But I call it as the pure act of love, lillahita'ala.

I think I know reasons behind of your choices, actions and silence.

I believe all of it bounds by the fear and love to you Creator. Our Creator.

Sometimes I could not fathom, how patience you can be, all these while.

I need to learn the art of sabr from you, I really do. 

I know you're not perfect, wrap in boundless of weaknesses and faults. But that does not make you any less human. Human err, so do I. 

Though the future, sometimes seems bleak, vague and unpredictable, I suppose it is because I lean of my hopes solely to my efforts, to other human.

But the future shines bright, sparkles in the darkness of night when I put my hands up, and pour all of my feeling to my Creator. Our Creator.

Then I feel calmer and firm with my choice.

Thank you for the silent treatment. I ought that as an act of love. 

Friday, 16 June 2017

O my lost soul.

I miss Ireland. I miss to let go my soul to fly freely and diffuse with the serene surrounding and mix with the refreshing thin air. I miss the sound of forest in Glendalough and the wind. 
I was restless, uncomfortable and felt something is not accomplished yet, without exactly know what it is. Believe me, I tried and am still trying to figure out what my heart is going through. 
I feel detach from my surrounding and I don't know why.
I feel I am losing control over myself and I feel demotivated with a very vague reason.
I feel away from my beloved God, maybe because I am sinning too much. 
I am not drowning yet.
I miss my old self; the one who is full with positive vibes, spirits, hope and strength. 
I was literally staring at my laptop screen with unknown purposes, hoping to stumble upon some random reasons to keep in touch with the real 'world'.
People see me as a normal lady, a cheerful person who wears her sweet smile all the time. I keep reminding myself to do so, because I do not want to spread my unknown reason of unhappiness.
Ramadhan seems near but far from my soul. Man, what kind of damages I've done to my heart? I keep telling myself; Sarah, the doors of heavens are opening throughout this Holy Month. Don't you wanna enter it? Don't you wanna hold your beloved hands and be there with them? Don't you wanna withdraw yourself from Jahannam? 
I force myself to have good intentions and perspectives to Allah in every circumstances. I don't know why, but I found it very challenging to do so in this month. (Is this my real self? O my gosh)
Despite of the 'battle' of my soul between me and my nafs, deep inside my heart, I am happy. I am grateful. The fact that I was given opportunities by Lord to live, breath and started my days as a muslim and final year medical student, which favors of the Lord should I not be grateful with? Who ever thought I could've gone this far? 
All praise to Him, the One who let everything happens for reasons. 
I know I am quite 'jumpy' in my writing. I really need to learn how to put my thoughts properly. It's quite here and there, but, hey, it is my blog so I can write it in the way I want it to be. (Note to myself, please improve this haha)
While scrolling the timeline of Facebook, I found an interesting article. It is about a prayer, a confession and a conversation of a lady with her Creator. It was so beautiful and it made me thinking and see my situation in her perspectives. It was refreshing and a good reminder too, I tell you.
So here it goes.
Maybe I’m trying so hard to have full control over everything. Maybe I need to remind myself that everything is a process. Every struggle is a process. And every process has an end goal, has a purpose and it’s always for my good. God is always doing something, sometimes beyond my comprehension, or sometimes within its walls. And honestly, it gets tiring to always try so hard to overcome on my own when I can overcome with You.

Maybe God, You’re right, it’s all about total surrender.

It’s not a matter of I can anymore, it’s all about what You can and unless I allow You to completely take over every space, every aspect of my life, I will never fully overcome, I will never taste victory over my life.
Maybe I need to remind myself to trust You in whatever strife I’m facing, whether big or small, whether work or school, whether relationship or personal, whether healing or promotion – whatever it is, maybe it’s all about permitting You to move me from glory to glory and just allow myself to be saturated in Your presence and watch how You will transform my failures into triumphs and my sorrow into joy.
Maybe I need to remind myself that You are Lord, and that I can’t overthrow it all in one snap, it will be a really tough process that is only possible through Your grace. And that doesn’t mean the process will be flawless and convenient and fast, there will be lapses, shortcomings but there will be improvements as well, there will be little victories that needed to be celebrated rather than condemned.
Maybe in every struggle, You are only teaching me, us, to be dependent in You. That the size of the struggle doesn’t matter, tiny or enormous, because I must learn to surrender. I can’t handpick the portions of my life that I want to surrender. I can’t just offer You the great, impossible looking battles and fight the easy ones on my own.
Maybe I need to learn to give it all to You, God. Committing all areas of my life. All my ache, my sin, my shame, my faults, trading them all for Your peace.
Giving it all and letting go fully, raising my hands to heaven in full surrender. Certain for the breakthrough that is waiting for me. Trusting Your beautiful promises as I trust Your process even more.
As Ramadhan is passing in a blink of eye, I think, He wants to teach me the feeling of an abid. I mean, the real feeling of surrendering, asking for forgiveness, humble and redha, in front of Him.
We know the room of our heart very well. We are the one who decorates it according to ourselves, to what we believe/ faith, experiences and observation to our surrounding. But I slip, most of the time. Hence, I believe Allah wants to guide me back to Him because I slipped so bad this time.
If it is so, then I give and leave my heart to You, O the One who takes care of hearts, better than the owner themselves.
Bayt Mishkat,
2250, 16/6/2017

Friday, 26 May 2017

Another rant.

I love when I am consciously aware that my welfare is taken care by Allah. Carefully with His mercy.

I know I have flaws in every single edge, and despite of that, He is still there, never leave me for a single moment. 

I have so many reasons to stop, or lay back for awhile and chillin' with my life. But I remembered one of Dr Azarisman's speech,

"Masa kita tidak banyak, umur kita tidak panjang dan kita mengimpikan syurga. Maka binalah saham- saham akhirat antum sebelum nyawa ditarik, sementara antum semua masih muda ini."

It made me think a lot, you know. Especially about how I want to end my life as a muslim, not just a regular muslim, but as one of the "warathatul anbiya' " that done her purposes of life and Allah pleased with her. 

So, here I am. Done few 'crazy' stuffs within a few months back. 

Yes I am. (Oh Lord)

I think I am :)

You can say that again.


Are you certain about things you are doing?
Why not? 

Your pushing factors?
Jannah, blessings, to die as a shuhada', the helps from above.

I hope I can strive to become a better person in this month of Ramadhan. To regrow, rebuild and regenerate the wilt soul of mine. My murabbi said, Ramadhan is the month to train ourselves to do deeds that we are not familiar with like sadaqah or do witr prayer.

Allahumma ameen. Ramadhan Kareem everyone! :)

ps: Too many thoughts to be written but none that I manage to sit still and pour it into words. 

Saturday, 22 April 2017


Ketika kita sudah punyai rencana panjang tentang cara-cara untuk mendapatkan apa yang kita impikan, Tuhan bisa merubah itu semua kepada sesuatu yang tidak terjangkaukan. Adakah bermakna perancangan kita tidak cukup elok, niat tidak cukup baik atau cara kita yang salah? Mungkin saja, kekeliruan, kegelisahan dan ketidakupayaan kita untuk menerima takdir yang diubahkan mempunyai penawar untuk hati yang tidak teguh ketika membuat keputusan. Hatinya tidak dihadirkan Yang Maha Mengetahui saat perancangan disusun rapi. Maka, tangan-tangan yang diangkat seusai solat lantas berdoa "tunjukkan kami jalan yang lurus" dipimpin Dia kearah sebuah keyakinan yang mendalam dengan cerita yang Dia susun dengan cinta. Ya, dengan cinta.

Usahlah bersedih, usahlah gelisah, anggap sahaja Tuhan sedang menjawab doa-doa bisikan dalam diammu agar hatimu senang dan lebih teguh dengan perencanaannya. Berbeda arah takdir tidak bererti kehilangan. Bahkan ianya sebuah kekuatan. Kekuatan untuk terus menerus berpegang dengan wahyu langit, agar kaki sang musafir dunia ini tahu jalan pulang kearah Tuhannya.

Learn to trust Allah. Wholeheartedly. 

Friday, 31 March 2017



Yesterday marked the end of my posting in psychiatry (except for the next Friday where I will have extra sessions at Hospital Taiping to see and experience certain psychiatry treatment/ modalities). Anyway, Allah has brought me through all of these hectic days and times. Couldn't express how grateful I am to be able to survive and breath in those days, bi idznillah.

For the past three weeks, I must say it was a time in which my strength, patient, and passion is challenged. Multifactorial causes, of course. I remembered I literally cried in front of everyone in one of the meetings I attend because of stress, fatigue and lack of self confidence. But after that I felt better. Crying is indeed one of the ways that can make you feel relax. 

Me, trying my hard to be happy, to feel happy with myself, my life and especially with everything that Allah has given to me, I learn that the eternal way to be and feel content with yourself is through recognition and appreciation to the life. And those two are discovered from the love of the Lord, the Provider and the Merciful one. 

Last Thursday, I attended a liqo'. We learned and discussed about the essence of surah al Ikhlas. During our discussion, I was attracted to a story of sahabah, who likes to read surah al- Ikhlas following al Fatihah and then a longer surah. So the other sahabahs were curious and asked him reasons behind the action. He refused to answer and said it is his way of being imam. So the sahabahs told Rasulullah about this matter and Rasulullah asked them to go back to the sahabah who likes to recite al Ikhlas and clarify about his reasons. The sahabah, of course, feeling reluctant but cannot refuse from answering it. He said,

" Al- Ikhlas describes my Lord and I love to read His descriptions"

I cried. That feeling is so sacred and profound. Words won't do justice to tell the world how I felt about this surah after knowing about this sahabah. It hit me deep inside my soul I must say. It made me reflects on how far I really LOVE Allah like Rasulullah and sahabahs did. 

Henceforth, I have no reason to stop from loving Him with all my heart and life. I want the husnul khatimah. I really hope my name is listed among those who will enter Jannah. I cannot imagine myself stuck at the sirat. Naudzubillah min dzalik.

Friday, 17 February 2017

Cerpen: Cinta dari Istanbul

disclaimer: cerita ini tidak berkaitan dengan yang hidup atau yang sudah tiada. 

Bunyi kicauan burung camar memeriahkan suasana langit biru Istanbul yang luas. Angin sepoi- sepoi bahasa menampar lembut pipi Balqis. Bau teh epal dari deret kedai Turkish Delight di Jalan Sultanahmet mengekori sama deruan angin dari arah selatan. Bunyi muzik traditional Turki sayup- sayup kedengaran dari tempat penjual simit yang bertentangan dengan arah yang dilalui Balqis. 

Balqis tersenyum. Petang yang indah, Satu- satu matanya menatap dan merakan suasana di Sultan Ahmet Square. Langit. Burung. Kubah masjid. Menara Haghia Sophia. Penjual simit dan jagung rebus. Kedai cenderahati tradisional Turki..


Lamunan Balqis terhenti. Dia berpaling ke sisi kanannya.


"I cannot believe you're going to leave Istanbul soon."

"Me too. I love Istanbul too much, I don't mind coming here back. Haha"

"Balqis, I need to say something"

"Yes? What is it?"

Langkah kaki mereka berdua mula perlahan dan seiring. Kicauan burung masih lagi kedengaran.

"I never thought I would say this but since I don't know when I can see you again, so I hope I can make it clear now"

Balqis sedikit rasa tidak senang dengan kenyataan itu. Apahal mamat ni? 

"You introduced me to a whole new level of uncommon way and definition of love"

Okay.. Ketenangan hati Balqis mula terusik. Tapi Balqis cuba bersikap neutral dan tenang. Membiarkan jejaka Turki itu menghabiskan ayat- ayatnya.

"You dress like a typical eastern girl. There is nothing outstanding from your appearance. But, your soul, is different."

Tuhan, tolong cepatkan masa. Balqis berdoa dalam hati. Masa dirasakan terlalu perlahan. Sangat perlahan. Seolah- olah memberi waktu kepada jejaka itu untuk berbicara tentang fikirannya.

"You are a serious person, but you look calm and cheerful when you talk. Your presence ignites the atmosphere to be lively and happy. You are humble and pious and always smile. I don't know why but those smiles caught my heart so much. You are precious in your own way. And I like when you help your family. You are a responsible lady. I know words won't do justice to tell you how much exceptional amazing you are..,"

Macam ada rama- rama dalam perut. Cepat pula la si alang dan Adib tu jalan. Awatlah depa tak tunggu aku ni. Balqis mula panik. Tangannya disilangkan antara satu sama lain. Makin sejuk pula rasanya. 

"Okay, I don't want to feel and be awkward but, what's your point from telling me all these things?"

Tipulah kalau kata hati tidak terusik dengan kata- kata Umar. Tak pernah orang memujinya sebegitu. Ibu bapanya pun tidak selalu memujinya, apatah lagi lelaki- lelaki lain. Tapi Balqis cuba merasionalkan perasaan dan pemikirannya.

"I think I am falling in love with you"

Kaki Balqis berhenti dari melangkah. Alang dan Adib makin jauh dari pandangan.

Umar turut berhenti. Mereka berdua saling berpaling dan masing- masing cuba mengatakan sesuatu.

"Do you want to be my wife and mother to my children?"

Balqis terkedu. Mulutnya terkunci daripada mengatakan apa- apa. Hajatnya untuk meminta dan memberi penjelasan mula terbantut. Matanya memandang ke langit dan hatinya meminta belas ihsan Tuhan Maha Penyayang,

"Apa yang patut aku lakukan?"


Friday, 27 January 2017

Yang terpendam.

Kakakmu mengajarku bahwa, dengan do'a
Seluruh dunia mampu kumiliki
Kata dia, do'a sang musafir itu ada sisi mustajab
Aku semat kata-kata itu dan bawa bersama
Ke bumi al-Fateh yang mulia.

Tiap kali kumemandang langit
Pesan kakakmu itu terngiang-ngiang di gegendang telingaku
Lalu kubisikkan do'a untuk insan- insan yang kusayang
Termasuklah kamu yang jauh di sana
Agar Tuhan yang Maha Mendengar sentiasa
Menjaga kamu-kamu, di dunia dan akhirat

Seringkali aku bertanya kepada Dia,
Mengapa perlu adanya penantian?
Bukankah penyatuan itu lebih menenangkan
Serta mendamaikan? Memudahkan hal ibadat serta
Interaksi antara dua jiwa yang saling menginginkan
Antara satu dengan yang lain?

Di bumi Sufi,
Dia menjawab.
Salji dan alam sebagai manifestasi kepada jawaban-jawaban
Penantian itu juga satu ibadah
Andai ianya diisi dengan ketaatan kepada Allah
Penantian itu satu latihan
Kepada sifat-sifat yang diperlukan dalam pelayaran
Bahtera perkahwinan
Sabar, berkorban, meletakkan kepentingan orang lain
Sebelum diri
Sabar mentaati Allah, Rasul, ibu bapa dan yang berhak untuk ditaati

Sebagaimana sabarnya bumi menahan sejuk musim dingin,
Sementara menunggu kehadiran musim panas.
Semuanya akur; pokok menggugurkan daun-daun
Tanah menerima baik butir-butir salji yang jatuh
Indah pemandangan itu..

Mungkin saja..
Penantian kita akan jadi seindah itu
Dan semoga penyatuan pada suatu hari nanti
Akan seperti hangatnya mentari musim panas
Menyinari bumi Tuhan, dalam ketaatan.

Aku akui,
Kadangkala kausinggah di jendela mindaku,
Mengetuk lembut pintu hati
Namun buat masa inu, aku terpaksa 'menghalaumu'
Ketempat asalmu
Sambil diiringi doa musafir pendosa sepertiku

Baik-baik sahaja ya kamu,
Yang berusaha menjadi tetamu syurga Allah..

Ala Turca Hotel,
Cappadocia, Turki.