Senyum

Life indeed, is a mysterious journey . Start your day with a smile It will bring you through thousand miles Do your best, don't be shy Because the sunlight will never die Don't give up, don't give in Hey, everything will be fine As long as we don't complain Like how the world could be this plain.

"Puan pernah mengandung sebelum ini?", saya bertanya lembut pada pesakit wanita yang terbaring lesu dikatil hujung cubicle 2 wad gynaecology. Wajahnya pucat, cukup pucat. Pergerakannya terbatas dan nafasnya pendek- pendek. Mungkin dia kepenatan. "Sudah doktor. 4 orang, tetapi semuanya keguguran. Ada satu episod mengandung 'anggur' (molar pregnancy)". Sambil bercakap, senyuman tidak lekang dari wajah yang mulus itu. Para 0 (+4).  Saya berasa serba salah untuk meneruskan perbualan. Takut tersalah tanya atau tersalah cakap. Isu anak sememangnya isu yang sensitif untuk kaum wanita, terutamanya bagi yang sudah berkahwin. Perkahwinannya berusia dua tahun, diusahakan untuk mendapatkan cahaya mata namun keempat- empat mereka diambil Tuhan yang Maha Penyayang.  Fuh. Saya cuba mengekalkan ekspresi muka supaya tenang dan maintain professional. Sepanjang perbualan kami, tiadak ada satu masa pun saya mendengar keluhan, kesedihan atau kekecewaan dari mulut be...

I learn a lot from you. I really do. Even though our encounter always start and end with silence, I love it. It does not utter words, but it speaks what's inside our heart and mind very well. I don't know how we could do that. Maybe because of the good intentions and acts you possessed, it contains barakah. The amount of respect I earn from you is unimaginable. Some might interpret it as ignorance, unromantic or dull. But I call it as the pure act of love, lillahita'ala. I think I know reasons behind of your choices, actions and silence. I believe all of it bounds by the fear and love to you Creator. Our Creator. Sometimes I could not fathom, how patience you can be, all these while. I need to learn the art of sabr from you, I really do.  I know you're not perfect, wrap in boundless of weaknesses and faults. But that does not make you any less human. Human err, so do I.  Though the future, sometimes seems bleak, vague...

I miss Ireland. I miss to let go my soul to fly freely and diffuse with the serene surrounding and mix with the refreshing thin air. I miss the sound of forest in Glendalough and the wind.  I was restless, uncomfortable and felt something is not accomplished yet, without exactly know what it is. Believe me, I tried and am still trying to figure out what my heart is going through.  I feel detach from my surrounding and I don't know why. I feel I am losing control over myself and I feel demotivated with a very vague reason. I feel away from my beloved God, maybe because I am sinning too much.  I am not drowning yet. I miss my old self; the one who is full with positive vibes, spirits, hope and strength.  I was literally staring at my laptop screen with unknown purposes, hoping to stumble upon some random reasons to keep in touch with the real 'world'. People see me as a normal lady, a cheerful person who wears her sweet smile all the time. I keep rem...

I love when I am consciously aware that my welfare is taken care by Allah. Carefully with His mercy. I know I have flaws in every single edge, and despite of that, He is still there, never leave me for a single moment.  I have so many reasons to stop, or lay back for awhile and chillin' with my life. But I remembered one of Dr Azarisman's speech, "Masa kita tidak banyak, umur kita tidak panjang dan kita mengimpikan syurga. Maka binalah saham- saham akhirat antum sebelum nyawa ditarik, sementara antum semua masih muda ini." It made me think a lot, you know. Especially about how I want to end my life as a muslim, not just a regular muslim, but as one of the "warathatul anbiya' " that done her purposes of life and Allah pleased with her.  So, here I am. Done few 'crazy' stuffs within a few months back.  Tired? Yes I am. (Oh Lord) Happy? I think I am :) Calmer? You can say that again. Regret? Nope. Are...

Ketika kita sudah punyai rencana panjang tentang cara-cara untuk mendapatkan apa yang kita impikan, Tuhan bisa merubah itu semua kepada sesuatu yang tidak terjangkaukan. Adakah bermakna perancangan kita tidak cukup elok, niat tidak cukup baik atau cara kita yang salah? Mungkin saja, kekeliruan, kegelisahan dan ketidakupayaan kita untuk menerima takdir yang diubahkan mempunyai penawar untuk hati yang tidak teguh ketika membuat keputusan. Hatinya tidak dihadirkan Yang Maha Mengetahui saat perancangan disusun rapi. Maka, tangan-tangan yang diangkat seusai solat lantas berdoa "tunjukkan kami jalan yang lurus" dipimpin Dia kearah sebuah keyakinan yang mendalam dengan cerita yang Dia susun dengan cinta. Ya, dengan cinta. Usahlah bersedih, usahlah gelisah, anggap sahaja Tuhan sedang menjawab doa-doa bisikan dalam diammu agar hatimu senang dan lebih teguh dengan perencanaannya. Berbeda arah takdir tidak bererti kehilangan. Bahkan ianya sebuah kekuatan. Kekuatan untuk terus ...

Alhamdulillah. Yesterday marked the end of my posting in psychiatry (except for the next Friday where I will have extra sessions at Hospital Taiping to see and experience certain psychiatry treatment/ modalities). Anyway, Allah has brought me through all of these hectic days and times. Couldn't express how grateful I am to be able to survive and breath in those days, bi idznillah. For the past three weeks, I must say it was a time in which my strength, patient, and passion is challenged. Multifactorial causes, of course. I remembered I literally cried in front of everyone in one of the meetings I attend because of stress, fatigue and lack of self confidence. But after that I felt better. Crying is indeed one of the ways that can make you feel relax.  Me, trying my hard to be happy, to feel happy with myself, my life and especially with everything that Allah has given to me, I learn that the eternal way to be and feel content with yourself is through recognition and appre...