O my lost soul.

I miss Ireland. I miss to let go my soul to fly freely and diffuse with the serene surrounding and mix with the refreshing thin air. I miss the sound of forest in Glendalough and the wind. 

I was restless, uncomfortable and felt something is not accomplished yet, without exactly know what it is. Believe me, I tried and am still trying to figure out what my heart is going through. 

I feel detach from my surrounding and I don't know why.

I feel I am losing control over myself and I feel demotivated with a very vague reason.

I feel away from my beloved God, maybe because I am sinning too much. 

I am not drowning yet.

I miss my old self; the one who is full with positive vibes, spirits, hope and strength. 

I was literally staring at my laptop screen with unknown purposes, hoping to stumble upon some random reasons to keep in touch with the real 'world'.

People see me as a normal lady, a cheerful person who wears her sweet smile all the time. I keep reminding myself to do so, because I do not want to spread my unknown reason of unhappiness.

Ramadhan seems near but far from my soul. Man, what kind of damages I've done to my heart? I keep telling myself; Sarah, the doors of heavens are opening throughout this Holy Month. Don't you wanna enter it? Don't you wanna hold your beloved hands and be there with them? Don't you wanna withdraw yourself from Jahannam? 

I force myself to have good intentions and perspectives to Allah in every circumstances. I don't know why, but I found it very challenging to do so in this month. (Is this my real self? O my gosh)

Despite of the 'battle' of my soul between me and my nafs, deep inside my heart, I am happy. I am grateful. The fact that I was given opportunities by Lord to live, breath and started my days as a muslim and final year medical student, which favors of the Lord should I not be grateful with? Who ever thought I could've gone this far? 

All praise to Him, the One who let everything happens for reasons. 

I know I am quite 'jumpy' in my writing. I really need to learn how to put my thoughts properly. It's quite here and there, but, hey, it is my blog so I can write it in the way I want it to be. (Note to myself, please improve this haha)

While scrolling the timeline of Facebook, I found an interesting article. It is about a prayer, a confession and a conversation of a lady with her Creator. It was so beautiful and it made me thinking and see my situation in her perspectives. It was refreshing and a good reminder too, I tell you.

So here it goes.

***

Maybe I’m trying so hard to have full control over everything. Maybe I need to remind myself that everything is a process. Every struggle is a process. And every process has an end goal, has a purpose and it’s always for my good. God is always doing something, sometimes beyond my comprehension, or sometimes within its walls. And honestly, it gets tiring to always try so hard to overcome on my own when I can overcome with You.

Maybe God, You’re right, it’s all about total surrender.

It’s not a matter of I can anymore, it’s all about what You can and unless I allow You to completely take over every space, every aspect of my life, I will never fully overcome, I will never taste victory over my life.

Maybe I need to remind myself to trust You in whatever strife I’m facing, whether big or small, whether work or school, whether relationship or personal, whether healing or promotion – whatever it is, maybe it’s all about permitting You to move me from glory to glory and just allow myself to be saturated in Your presence and watch how You will transform my failures into triumphs and my sorrow into joy.

Maybe I need to remind myself that You are Lord, and that I can’t overthrow it all in one snap, it will be a really tough process that is only possible through Your grace. And that doesn’t mean the process will be flawless and convenient and fast, there will be lapses, shortcomings but there will be improvements as well, there will be little victories that needed to be celebrated rather than condemned.

Maybe in every struggle, You are only teaching me, us, to be dependent in You. That the size of the struggle doesn’t matter, tiny or enormous, because I must learn to surrender. I can’t handpick the portions of my life that I want to surrender. I can’t just offer You the great, impossible looking battles and fight the easy ones on my own.

Maybe I need to learn to give it all to You, God. Committing all areas of my life. All my ache, my sin, my shame, my faults, trading them all for Your peace.

Giving it all and letting go fully, raising my hands to heaven in full surrender. Certain for the breakthrough that is waiting for me. Trusting Your beautiful promises as I trust Your process even more.

source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/dian-tinio/2017/06/dear-god-im-giving-it-all-to-you/

***

As Ramadhan is passing in a blink of eye, I think, He wants to teach me the feeling of an abid. I mean, the real feeling of surrendering, asking for forgiveness, humble and redha, in front of Him.

We know the room of our heart very well. We are the one who decorates it according to ourselves, to what we believe/ faith, experiences and observation to our surrounding. But I slip, most of the time. Hence, I believe Allah wants to guide me back to Him because I slipped so bad this time.

If it is so, then I give and leave my heart to You, O the One who takes care of hearts, better than the owner themselves.

Bayt Mishkat,

2250, 16/6/2017